News, sport and entertainment from the Bournemouth Echo and Dorset Echo.

Second time around

From the Echo, first published Saturday 19th Feb 2005.

PRINCE Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles may be all smiles after announcing their plans to wed but, statistically, divorced men or women who remarry are far more likely to end up with another failed marriage on their hands.

And UK National Statistics has identified two major factors which significantly increase the likelihood of getting divorced - to have married as a teenager and to remarry after a previous divorce.

But despite this unsettling statistic, there were 109,090 remarriages in 2003, which accounts for just over two-fifths of all marriages in Britain.

Wimborne relationship counsellor Carolyn Hollins says many of her clients are on a second marriage.

"With a first marriage you're starting out with a clean slate, but couples who have married for the second time do tend to have more problems because they come with a lot of emotional baggage like children, and hassle with ex-wives and ex-husbands.

"My best advice in that situation is to talk - keep the lines of communication open - and to compromise.

"As for Charles and Camilla, I don't think they'll have any problems because they've been committed to each other for so long and their children are grown up, so it's not as if they're having to bring children up together. The only problems they're likely to have are with the public, the Queen and the government."

Psychotherapist Dr Stuart Andrews, based in Broadstone, believes people need to learn lessons from a failed first marriage in order to succeed next time round.

"Couples need to work harder and not carry forward the problems that have caused the first marriage to fail," he said.

"The reasons for a failed marriage are very rarely black and white. For example, when there's an affair it's really important to look at why, because they don't come out of the blue - we all get attracted to other people and if everything's fine back at the ranch, it doesn't tend to go any further than that.

"People often don't see their own part in why the split happened the first time, and they can't afford to be complacent in their new relationship."

Psychotherapist Jill Curtis has just published a book, How To Get Married Again - A Guide To Second Weddings, to help couples through the difficulties of remarriage.

She explains: "Any wedding is a landmark in the family but a second wedding throws up a whole set of completely different issues. You can find plenty of magazines full of advice about being a first time bride but no guidelines or rules pertaining to second marriages - people are simply at sea.

"What I do find is that very often other people aren't very kind when there is a second wedding - they can be quite snide, especially about things like what's approp-riate for the bride to wear, and those are the kind of things that can put a real cloud over the wedding."

Here we bring you a selection of advice from Jill's book:

The extended family: Jill says that most second weddings are family weddings and that there are usually even more people to consider than the first time around.

"They do say that there's no wedding without some tears beforehand but second weddings require even more sensitive and careful planning.

"Second weddings can also stir up a lot of memories from the past which people think they have completely got over and so it pays to bear in mind that emotions - on all sides - will be running high.

"People who are getting married also get terribly upset about etiquette, and the questions come thick and fast such as, `Should I invite my ex in-laws to see their grandchildren as my bridesmaid?' for example - the ramifications just go round and round."

Delicate preparation is the key, according to Jill, and she believes that you should always tell your ex-partner and even former in-laws about plans for the new marriage.

"It's not right to hear something like that on the grapevine, however acrimonious it was."

The children: "There are more second divorces than first, particularly when there are step-children involved," says Jill.

"Even if someone has had a male or female friend for some time it's surprising how many children don't even consider that they're going to get married.

"There is also children's universal belief and hope, no matter how much evidence to the contrary, that somehow that their parents will get back together.

"A remarriage represents the time when all hope of the family getting back together is gone and so how the children are told is critical - it should never be through a public announcement or at a party.

"The children need much more sensitive handling than that and I can't bear this idea that kids are tough as old boots - they're not and shouldn't be treated that way!"

She advises that children should always be involved in some part of the ceremony, or it is unlikely they will ever really accept their step-parents.

A brighter future: If you really want to make a success of a second marriage, make sure you are totally untangled from the first one.

"It's no good just crossing your fingers and hoping that this time everything will be all right, so it does no harm at all to sit down and work out why your first marriage broke down in the first place - everybody plays a part in a divorce whether you want to admit that or not," says Jill.

"Hopefully maturity has come with life experience but just really try to be honest with yourself and make sure you don't repeat your past mistakes."

How To Get Married Again - A Guide To Second Weddings by Jill Curtis, is published by Hodder & Stoughton, and is available now, priced £7.99. For further advice visit www.familyonwards.com.